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The Lockeroom: The Lost Issue

all weird things must come to an end

read The Lockeroom: The Lost Issue as a PDF (right click to save)

And then there was The Lockeroom #4 a.k.a. The Lost Issue a.k.a. we meant to do this a long time ago but life got in the way a.k.a. we found a few unused pages lying around and so now we're putting together a few more so we can make an entire issue.

The cover is a jam piece by Josiah Simmons, Conrad Knapp, and myself. And that Leonard Nimoy image comes from a classic piece of cinema called The Y2K Family Survival Guide* (a.k.a. a shitty cash-grab VHS tape).

One of my favorite moments of this or any issue of The Lockeroom is "To Russell, Let's Tussel" -- a nonsensical absurdist poem that resolves with a surprisingly satisfying final line.

How was it created? My guess is that Josiah and I wrote it together. But I might be wrong. Like most of The Lockeroom, my hazy memories of its creation are few and far between. But regardless of the exact origin, I think "To Russel, Let's Tussel" is just one a few reasons why this issue of The Lockeroom is our best.

A couple images that I'd clipped for The Lumberjack** made it into this issue, including a full page spread of a very hairy man drinking coffee. Exquisite, if you ask me.

Our satire of the Fairport High School newspaper, The Lampion, was also revived*** in this issue. In fact, some of our content was literally culled from The Lampion, including Josiah's bizarre fake history of our teen garage band, Hot Fuzz****:

Matt Rosini is back for one last time in this issue with a Venom sketch, and the back cover alludes to some other contributors. Honestly, my memories of putting this issue together mostly consist of Josiah, Conrad, and I driving driving to a 24-hour Kinko's at 2 a.m. to photocopy the damn thing. In the past we'd found free ways to use photocopiers, namely the one in Josiah's dad's office. But this time we had to pay. BOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The conceptual juxtaposition is at an all-time high in this issue. Maybe it's because we were just slapping pictures together faster than usual or maybe we'd actually gotten good at it. I don't know. But the page with "I Brake For Large Intestines" still makes me laugh after all this time.

Even though this is the final issue of The Lockeroom, the story doesn't end here. In fact, The Lockeroom is the reason I got into Carnegie Mellon University. Seriously. I had a portfolio review with Charlee Brodsky. She was largely unimpressed with my work until we got to the very bottom of my portfolio case. I noted The Lockeroom with a passing mention, but she picked up on it and asked to see the issues. She was impressed with the passion in my voice when I spoke about creating zines. And so I went to Pittsburgh and spent the next 12 years of my life there, for better or worse.

While I was in college at CMU in Pittsburgh, I started a solo zine called NoPants. It was pretty much my imitation of The Lockeroom, only without the hyperlocal coverage of events. And it was purposefully more broad and absurd than The Lockeroom. Also, with The Lockeroom, it was really Josiah's baby. I was just a prolific contributor. So once I had the reigns with NoPants, shit really got silly.

Speaking of which, next week I'll be shining a spotlight on NoPants. I'll share the issues with you and discuss the zine's history. Catch ya then!

*I used to work at the video rental department of my local Wegmans supermarket. Once 2000 hit and Y2K was debunked, that video tape was on the clearance rack faster than you can say "Sprafka."

**Read about The Lockeroom #3 for more on the history of The Lumberjack.

***Read about The Lockeroom #2 for more on our satire of The Lampion.

****The history of my Hot Fuzz music is coming soon!!